Flairwatch
By Tom Stewart
I want to marry Gus Poyet. There, I’ve said it. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love that man. I want his babies, I want to make him his packed lunch, I want to go for long walks in the countryside, I’d buy that man a Unicorn- that’s how much I love him.
He’s just amazing isn’t he? I mean, I’m not sure I've ever been this happy supporting the Albion. We’re absolutely destroying everything in our path, it’s just too easy.
We’re INSANELY flair. We must be the most contiMental team outside the Premiership. The way we absolutely spray the ball around, forcing our opponents to chase shadows all game, I mean, EIGHTY per cent possession is just obscene. I’m convinced this is all some kind of erotic dream.
Comparison’s with Arsenal are rife, and it’s clear to see why. We both have intelligent foreign managers who like things done their own way (note Poyet’s ambition to get our youth team playing in an equally flair manner), both Wenger and Poyet like to protect their own players in the media and both love foreign players.
Poyet’s love of foreign players is really pleasing me. Especially as some of them are actually quite good. Calderon is definitely my favourite (I’d like to proudly reveal that it was I who invented the nickname “the matador”). Watching his long flowing locks rampaging up and down the right flank is simply a joy to behold. Also, has anyone else noticed how all opposing fans seem to absolutely despise him? It’s amazing how much he appears to wind up everyone, a definite flair attribute. My favourite thing about him is that he ALWAYS seems to be seen out and about with our two Argentinians, like he’s their Dad or something. Baz and Battipiedi are really exciting me lately. When they were signed I had hopes for both of them, and they’re both showing signs of being pretty darn good players, as they gradually adapt to the English game.
One thing that is worrying me slightly, however, and I do apologise for possibly putting a dampener on our euphoria, is the thought of our flairtastic passing game getting ruined by horrible League 1 winter pitches. Our style of play should be gracing the finest arenas known to man, not getting bogged down at some northern hell hole. It might not be an issue at all, as Gus is a clever man and a brilliant tactician, and he always seems to have a decent plan b, I just think it’s a shame that our superior style of football will ultimately suffer. Also, there’s the possibility that some of our flairniac players won’t like the winter. Memories of Paul Brooker are flooding back to me. That man was absolutely useless every winter, almost without fail, but put him on a decent pitch in the summer, and he’d run rings around full backs. It was like two completley different players. Could Kaz be the new Brooker?
Anyway, that’s all for me this month, take care disciples.
Friday 26 November 2010
belated tslr articles- oct
Flairwatch
By Tom Stewart
Hello fans, a busy month has been had by all down here at flair towers HQ.
I’m sure you’re all as excited as I am about the Gus Bus being on an inevitable path of destruction towards the Championship. Wait, no, not the Championship, the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE!
HOWEVER, i do have several complaints.
As a connoisseur of flair, I would like to remind you all what actually constitutes flair.
-Preferably foreign (Federico Turienzo)
-Possible underachievement of some sort (ie Lee Hendrie)
-Alternative career of interest (Stephen Bywater- Cage fighter/erotic artist)
-Drug/Alcohol/Sex/General Scandal (Roman Bednar)
It is point two that i take issue with. In my mind, Gus just isn’t doing enough to help us underachieve. What’s all this top of the league, playing great football nonsense?! In my mind he has sold out on his flair values and has betrayed flairniacs everywhere.
True flairniacs, or “Original” Flairniacs as they’re known, don’t demand success on the pitch, all they crave is flair players, in white boots, alice bands who underachieve. The flairest team of all time, in my view, is Kevin Keegans 1995-96 Newcastle side. This was a team who paid little to no attention to defence whatsoever. They had the ultimate choice of goalkeeper- Pavel Srnicek or Shaka Hislop. They had Phillipe Albert. They had Peter Beardsley. They had Faustino Asprilla, and of course, They had David Ginola.
However, this team would’ve been nothing in the flair world were it not for the complete capitulation that they managed to pull off. I’m not sure anyone has collapsed in such style. The Toon were 12 points clear at the top of the table, before a dramatic loss of form saw them lose out on the title on the last game of the season. During this time, Keegan completely lost the plot, refusing to strengthen they obviously weak defence and instead splashing out on erratic striker Asprilla.
Not only was this a collapse of epic proportions, it also raised expectation levels on Tyneside to monumental proportions, meaning that no manager has ever been able to match Keegan’s accomplishments. Newcastle do, however, consistently perform in the race for the flair title.
An example of a club selling out on it’s flair ethics is, and this has a link to Gus, Chelsea.
In the late 90’s/early 00’s, Chelsea were a cosmopolitan, swashbuckling flair unit. The likes of Poyet, Gianfranco Zola, Gianluca Vialli, Roberto Di Matteo, Jody Morris, Frank The Beef, Marcel, Ed De Gohjakhkjfaknfanf and of course, Tore Andre Flo lit up Stamford Bridge with a combination of beautiful football and regular defeats to rubbish teams. This was fine, they were cool, they were sexy, they were fabulous. But something went wrong somewhere along the line. Almost overnight Chelsea, under the management of an uber-flair boss, turned into an efficient, well oiled, negative victory machine. Sound familiar? They quickly became the most hated team in the land as they swept aside all before them. My only hope is that the same doesn’t happen to us. I want us to be admired, but in a sympathetic flair way (think Arsenal), not feared and loathed.
Anyway, thank you for reading my words of Wisdom
Your Eternal Leader,
Tom Stewart
By Tom Stewart
Hello fans, a busy month has been had by all down here at flair towers HQ.
I’m sure you’re all as excited as I am about the Gus Bus being on an inevitable path of destruction towards the Championship. Wait, no, not the Championship, the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE!
HOWEVER, i do have several complaints.
As a connoisseur of flair, I would like to remind you all what actually constitutes flair.
-Preferably foreign (Federico Turienzo)
-Possible underachievement of some sort (ie Lee Hendrie)
-Alternative career of interest (Stephen Bywater- Cage fighter/erotic artist)
-Drug/Alcohol/Sex/General Scandal (Roman Bednar)
It is point two that i take issue with. In my mind, Gus just isn’t doing enough to help us underachieve. What’s all this top of the league, playing great football nonsense?! In my mind he has sold out on his flair values and has betrayed flairniacs everywhere.
True flairniacs, or “Original” Flairniacs as they’re known, don’t demand success on the pitch, all they crave is flair players, in white boots, alice bands who underachieve. The flairest team of all time, in my view, is Kevin Keegans 1995-96 Newcastle side. This was a team who paid little to no attention to defence whatsoever. They had the ultimate choice of goalkeeper- Pavel Srnicek or Shaka Hislop. They had Phillipe Albert. They had Peter Beardsley. They had Faustino Asprilla, and of course, They had David Ginola.
However, this team would’ve been nothing in the flair world were it not for the complete capitulation that they managed to pull off. I’m not sure anyone has collapsed in such style. The Toon were 12 points clear at the top of the table, before a dramatic loss of form saw them lose out on the title on the last game of the season. During this time, Keegan completely lost the plot, refusing to strengthen they obviously weak defence and instead splashing out on erratic striker Asprilla.
Not only was this a collapse of epic proportions, it also raised expectation levels on Tyneside to monumental proportions, meaning that no manager has ever been able to match Keegan’s accomplishments. Newcastle do, however, consistently perform in the race for the flair title.
An example of a club selling out on it’s flair ethics is, and this has a link to Gus, Chelsea.
In the late 90’s/early 00’s, Chelsea were a cosmopolitan, swashbuckling flair unit. The likes of Poyet, Gianfranco Zola, Gianluca Vialli, Roberto Di Matteo, Jody Morris, Frank The Beef, Marcel, Ed De Gohjakhkjfaknfanf and of course, Tore Andre Flo lit up Stamford Bridge with a combination of beautiful football and regular defeats to rubbish teams. This was fine, they were cool, they were sexy, they were fabulous. But something went wrong somewhere along the line. Almost overnight Chelsea, under the management of an uber-flair boss, turned into an efficient, well oiled, negative victory machine. Sound familiar? They quickly became the most hated team in the land as they swept aside all before them. My only hope is that the same doesn’t happen to us. I want us to be admired, but in a sympathetic flair way (think Arsenal), not feared and loathed.
Anyway, thank you for reading my words of Wisdom
Your Eternal Leader,
Tom Stewart
belated tslr articles- sept
FLAIRWATCH
by tom stewart
Greetings disciples.
Anyway, what a few weeks it has been! Starting this season off with a barrage of ill discipline and schoolboy errors meant that our status as the flair kings of League 1 was looking to stay intact. Apart from that though, was anyone else a trifle bit disappointed with our progress on the flair signings? What on earth happened to Diego Camacho?! He fitted the bill perfectly. However, Gus, not one to disappoint whipped two beauties out of the bag. Kazenga LuaLua rejoins us on loan to pace the shit out of any right back unfortunate to get in his path and, best of all, all of my prayers have been answered, FINALLY a latino striker has joined!
Francisco Sandaza has got me all flustered, could he be the one to rid me of my lust for Federico? There was a time that I thought that no man could ever compare, could ever compete with my Fed. But I feel that Franco el Tanco could exorcise a few demons for me.
He’s made me go all nostalgic so I reckon it would be appropriate to unveil my WITHDEAN FLAIR ALLSTAR XI........(including opponents)
So, starting with the boss....well, this is a tough one so i’ve gone for a power share between Mark McGhee and Gus Poyet. These two fine gentleman have been responsible for bringing some of the Albions finest ever flair hero’s, without them, i’d be nothing and I owe my life to them.
So who would these two legends choose as their custodian? Well, they both like a foreigner, and they both like to pack as many ethnicity's into a roster as possible. So all time flair icon Michel Kuipers will start between the sticks, before being replaced by former Portsmouth ‘keeper Yoshi Kawaguchi at half time. Kawaguchi was an unused substitute against the Albion in a 1-1 draw, but watching him warm up was a dream come true.
So who’s playing infront of them? Former Plymouth stopper, Taribo West is an ideal candidate. As a 93-year old the Nigerian international made his Withdean bow in style and will captain this side. McGhee was a fan of playing players out of position, so Paul Ince, Sebastien Carole and Nick Ward will join West in defence.
Infront of them, who else but Steve Melton? He would operate as a continental style withdrawn playmaker, bossing the midfield and controlling the tempo. Stoke’s Peter Hoekstra shares the left midfield role with South Korean superstar “Seol” and Doudou, with each man playing 30 minutes each. Gary McAllister partners Melton in central midfield with Warren Aspinall rampaging up and down the right flank
“Yeah, that all sounds great Tom, but where are the goals coming from?” Well, Turienzo obviously starts upfront, but who to partner him with? Well, Mcghee and Poyet have gone for the extreme tactic of introducing a power sharing procedure, where 9 superstars will play 10 minutes each. These nine are Colin Kazim-Richards, Leroy Lita, Mark McGhee, Leon Knight, Dirk Lehmann, Georges Santos, Yakubu, James Beattie and Dave Beasant
So there we have it, perhaps the greatest line up the world has ever seen, or will see.
See you soon comrade, VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
by tom stewart
Greetings disciples.
Anyway, what a few weeks it has been! Starting this season off with a barrage of ill discipline and schoolboy errors meant that our status as the flair kings of League 1 was looking to stay intact. Apart from that though, was anyone else a trifle bit disappointed with our progress on the flair signings? What on earth happened to Diego Camacho?! He fitted the bill perfectly. However, Gus, not one to disappoint whipped two beauties out of the bag. Kazenga LuaLua rejoins us on loan to pace the shit out of any right back unfortunate to get in his path and, best of all, all of my prayers have been answered, FINALLY a latino striker has joined!
Francisco Sandaza has got me all flustered, could he be the one to rid me of my lust for Federico? There was a time that I thought that no man could ever compare, could ever compete with my Fed. But I feel that Franco el Tanco could exorcise a few demons for me.
He’s made me go all nostalgic so I reckon it would be appropriate to unveil my WITHDEAN FLAIR ALLSTAR XI........(including opponents)
So, starting with the boss....well, this is a tough one so i’ve gone for a power share between Mark McGhee and Gus Poyet. These two fine gentleman have been responsible for bringing some of the Albions finest ever flair hero’s, without them, i’d be nothing and I owe my life to them.
So who would these two legends choose as their custodian? Well, they both like a foreigner, and they both like to pack as many ethnicity's into a roster as possible. So all time flair icon Michel Kuipers will start between the sticks, before being replaced by former Portsmouth ‘keeper Yoshi Kawaguchi at half time. Kawaguchi was an unused substitute against the Albion in a 1-1 draw, but watching him warm up was a dream come true.
So who’s playing infront of them? Former Plymouth stopper, Taribo West is an ideal candidate. As a 93-year old the Nigerian international made his Withdean bow in style and will captain this side. McGhee was a fan of playing players out of position, so Paul Ince, Sebastien Carole and Nick Ward will join West in defence.
Infront of them, who else but Steve Melton? He would operate as a continental style withdrawn playmaker, bossing the midfield and controlling the tempo. Stoke’s Peter Hoekstra shares the left midfield role with South Korean superstar “Seol” and Doudou, with each man playing 30 minutes each. Gary McAllister partners Melton in central midfield with Warren Aspinall rampaging up and down the right flank
“Yeah, that all sounds great Tom, but where are the goals coming from?” Well, Turienzo obviously starts upfront, but who to partner him with? Well, Mcghee and Poyet have gone for the extreme tactic of introducing a power sharing procedure, where 9 superstars will play 10 minutes each. These nine are Colin Kazim-Richards, Leroy Lita, Mark McGhee, Leon Knight, Dirk Lehmann, Georges Santos, Yakubu, James Beattie and Dave Beasant
So there we have it, perhaps the greatest line up the world has ever seen, or will see.
See you soon comrade, VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
belated tslr articles- august
Flairwatch
by tom stewart
Greetings comrades, I hope you have enjoyed your summers and are raring to go for another 10 months of joy/agony as Gus Poyet’s Flair Orchestra destroy/get destroyed by League One.
Regardless of whether we live up to the lofty expectations and enable us to open Falmer, sorry, The American Express Community Stadium, with Championship football, there is no denying that we are going to be League One’s flair side, and for today’s Flairwatch I aim to examine, in true Donal McIntyre style, the reasons for this.
Let’s start at the very top- look at our ruddy ground! Withdean Stadium is clearly the flairest stadium in League 1. For a start it has SIX stands, five of which are temporary, Gok Wan would be proud of it due to it’s ability to “ACCESSORISE GIRLFRIEND” with a long jump pit, running track etc. and it’s next to a NATURE RESERVE. Whilst we might all hate it due to it being depressing, horrible etc., I for one carry a bizarre fondness for the place. Leaving it will feel a bit like a funeral of a close relative (perhaps Brother) who was a really horrible person (perhaps mass murderer). You’re obviously sad to see him/her go, but really you know it’s for the best.
Next on our list is our management team. No League 1 outfit can come close to matching us on this front (perhaps Exeter City actually). Having a Uruguayan/Argentinian manager/assistant puts us ahead straight away regardless of the individual personalities of the men. But Gus’ broad grin and chiseled jawline coupled with endless stereotypical South American gesticulating, and Tarrico’s coy little face with his flowing locks make them the ultimate flair management duo.
But a flair management team would be nothing without flair players, and boy, have we gone to town on this front. The signs were good last season with the likes of Calderon and LuaLua coming in, and Gus has not disappointed this summer. Never in my wildest, erotic dreams did I envisage so many nationalities at the Albion. We’ve got Eastern Europe sewn up with our Slovakian netminder and our mega-capped Bulgarian, plus not to mention our “Austrian” striker, Ashley Barnes. Latino stallions are represented by super icon Inigo Calderon’s return PLUS the insanely exciting arrival of not one, but TWO Argentinians. I have yet to see the duo in action, but i’m hoping that Battipiedi is a proper Argentinian central midfielder (ie. utter FILTH) and Baz is a flairmongous Latino winger, with an Arsenal of tricks and diving. We also have a Scotsman who looks like the Fonz and we’ve had several potential flair icons on trial, including a Norwegian Luke Chadwick tribute act.
With more signings possibly on the way, the future is looking bright on the flair front. Poyet has made it perfectly clear that he wants to win, but in style, which suits us perfectly fine, comrades.
by tom stewart
Greetings comrades, I hope you have enjoyed your summers and are raring to go for another 10 months of joy/agony as Gus Poyet’s Flair Orchestra destroy/get destroyed by League One.
Regardless of whether we live up to the lofty expectations and enable us to open Falmer, sorry, The American Express Community Stadium, with Championship football, there is no denying that we are going to be League One’s flair side, and for today’s Flairwatch I aim to examine, in true Donal McIntyre style, the reasons for this.
Let’s start at the very top- look at our ruddy ground! Withdean Stadium is clearly the flairest stadium in League 1. For a start it has SIX stands, five of which are temporary, Gok Wan would be proud of it due to it’s ability to “ACCESSORISE GIRLFRIEND” with a long jump pit, running track etc. and it’s next to a NATURE RESERVE. Whilst we might all hate it due to it being depressing, horrible etc., I for one carry a bizarre fondness for the place. Leaving it will feel a bit like a funeral of a close relative (perhaps Brother) who was a really horrible person (perhaps mass murderer). You’re obviously sad to see him/her go, but really you know it’s for the best.
Next on our list is our management team. No League 1 outfit can come close to matching us on this front (perhaps Exeter City actually). Having a Uruguayan/Argentinian manager/assistant puts us ahead straight away regardless of the individual personalities of the men. But Gus’ broad grin and chiseled jawline coupled with endless stereotypical South American gesticulating, and Tarrico’s coy little face with his flowing locks make them the ultimate flair management duo.
But a flair management team would be nothing without flair players, and boy, have we gone to town on this front. The signs were good last season with the likes of Calderon and LuaLua coming in, and Gus has not disappointed this summer. Never in my wildest, erotic dreams did I envisage so many nationalities at the Albion. We’ve got Eastern Europe sewn up with our Slovakian netminder and our mega-capped Bulgarian, plus not to mention our “Austrian” striker, Ashley Barnes. Latino stallions are represented by super icon Inigo Calderon’s return PLUS the insanely exciting arrival of not one, but TWO Argentinians. I have yet to see the duo in action, but i’m hoping that Battipiedi is a proper Argentinian central midfielder (ie. utter FILTH) and Baz is a flairmongous Latino winger, with an Arsenal of tricks and diving. We also have a Scotsman who looks like the Fonz and we’ve had several potential flair icons on trial, including a Norwegian Luke Chadwick tribute act.
With more signings possibly on the way, the future is looking bright on the flair front. Poyet has made it perfectly clear that he wants to win, but in style, which suits us perfectly fine, comrades.
Wednesday 28 July 2010
Ridiculous Flair Penalty
This is Ezequiel Calvente of Real Betis scoring for Spain in the recent u-19 European Championships, fitted with standard urban backing track
Friday 9 July 2010
Top 15 Flairest GOALS ever part 3 (5-1)
5. Eder, Brazil vs USSR, 1982
The Brazil side of 1982 were possibly the flairest international unit ever. A swashbuckling attitude saw them sweep aside all that came before them, before they imploded against Italy. This goal typifies this side. A little nugget of audacity and extreme skill.
4. Tony Yeboah, Leeds United vs Wimbledon, 1995
For about a month, Tony Yeboah was the greatest player on earth, and this goal shows why. A sustained period of appalling football carries on until Yeboah, lurking around, thinks "oh for GODS SAKE", gets the ball, rampages past two two defenders before striking it harder than i have ever seen before. Incredible.
3. Mauro Bressan, Fiorentina vs Barcelona, 1999
Twenty. Five. Yard. Bicycle. Kick
Who the FUCK is Mauro Bressan?!
2. Matt Le Tissier, Southampton vs Newcastle United, 199...something
Matt Le Tissier is the flairest footballer ever. OPINION. This goal just sums up everything about the man, he could do things that basically no-one else could do and used his flairgical powers to keep the saints in the premiership year after year. Collecting the ball behind him he flicks the ball over one player, and then another, before casually passing it into the bottom corner, the whole thing looked like it took absolutely no effort, like he could do it in his sleep. THAT is why he's so amazing
1. Andres Vasquez, Gothenburg vs Orebro, 2007
Before doing a bit of research, i had NO idea who Andres Vasquez is. Apparently he is a Swedish/Peruvian left midfielder who currently plays for Zurich. But he will never, ever be able to better this goal. A perfect example of a player achieving 100% of what he is capable of. Vasquez picks the ball up on the right side of the box, before, at first glance, just chipping the keeper...however, look again, he performs what is known as a "Rabona Kick" (which i didn't know until now). The likes of Cristiano Ronaldo have used this method to peform crosses and passes, but never from distance into the top corner. What was Vasquez THINKING?!
The Brazil side of 1982 were possibly the flairest international unit ever. A swashbuckling attitude saw them sweep aside all that came before them, before they imploded against Italy. This goal typifies this side. A little nugget of audacity and extreme skill.
4. Tony Yeboah, Leeds United vs Wimbledon, 1995
For about a month, Tony Yeboah was the greatest player on earth, and this goal shows why. A sustained period of appalling football carries on until Yeboah, lurking around, thinks "oh for GODS SAKE", gets the ball, rampages past two two defenders before striking it harder than i have ever seen before. Incredible.
3. Mauro Bressan, Fiorentina vs Barcelona, 1999
Twenty. Five. Yard. Bicycle. Kick
Who the FUCK is Mauro Bressan?!
2. Matt Le Tissier, Southampton vs Newcastle United, 199...something
Matt Le Tissier is the flairest footballer ever. OPINION. This goal just sums up everything about the man, he could do things that basically no-one else could do and used his flairgical powers to keep the saints in the premiership year after year. Collecting the ball behind him he flicks the ball over one player, and then another, before casually passing it into the bottom corner, the whole thing looked like it took absolutely no effort, like he could do it in his sleep. THAT is why he's so amazing
1. Andres Vasquez, Gothenburg vs Orebro, 2007
Before doing a bit of research, i had NO idea who Andres Vasquez is. Apparently he is a Swedish/Peruvian left midfielder who currently plays for Zurich. But he will never, ever be able to better this goal. A perfect example of a player achieving 100% of what he is capable of. Vasquez picks the ball up on the right side of the box, before, at first glance, just chipping the keeper...however, look again, he performs what is known as a "Rabona Kick" (which i didn't know until now). The likes of Cristiano Ronaldo have used this method to peform crosses and passes, but never from distance into the top corner. What was Vasquez THINKING?!
Top 15 Flairest GOALS ever part 2 (10-6)
10. Saeed Al-Owairan, Saudi Arabia vs Belgium, 1994
I love solo goals where the scorer appears to have little to no control over what he is doing. This is the case here. Al-Owairan just ran. And ran. And ran. And ran until he found himself yards from goal. A cool finish capped off a great run and Saeed will now be remembered for this goal which saw him labelled "The Maradona of the Arabs" (that's actually true). Al-Owairan lost his hero status when he was convicted of drinking.
9. Georgi Kinkladze, Manchester City vs Southampton, 1996
Little was known of this pint sized trickster when he joined Manchester City in 1995. But 3 glorious years in east Manchester cemented his place in history as "a quite good footballer". This glorious solo effort sums up his career nicely.
8. Archie Gemmill, Scotland vs Netherlands, 1978
A goal known the world over for it's famous appearance in the film Trainspotting. In a match that Scotland, one of the tournaments favourites, had to win by 3 goals in order to progress, and this goal put them 3-1 up and on the brink of glory. Gemmill picked the ball up on the edge of the Dutch box before nutmegging two players, after this he showed great composure to slot the ball past the Dutch keeper. Scotland only won by 1 goal after the men in Oranje pulled a goal back, and failed to progress, Netherlands reached the final before losing in extra time to hosts Argentina
7. Matt Taylor, Portsmouth vs Everton
what the FUCK
6. Manuel Negrete, Mexico vs Bulgaria, 1986
This goal is pure FILTH and should carry a health warning. I have no idea who Manuel Negrete is but for this goal, I love him. Enjoy
I love solo goals where the scorer appears to have little to no control over what he is doing. This is the case here. Al-Owairan just ran. And ran. And ran. And ran until he found himself yards from goal. A cool finish capped off a great run and Saeed will now be remembered for this goal which saw him labelled "The Maradona of the Arabs" (that's actually true). Al-Owairan lost his hero status when he was convicted of drinking.
9. Georgi Kinkladze, Manchester City vs Southampton, 1996
Little was known of this pint sized trickster when he joined Manchester City in 1995. But 3 glorious years in east Manchester cemented his place in history as "a quite good footballer". This glorious solo effort sums up his career nicely.
8. Archie Gemmill, Scotland vs Netherlands, 1978
A goal known the world over for it's famous appearance in the film Trainspotting. In a match that Scotland, one of the tournaments favourites, had to win by 3 goals in order to progress, and this goal put them 3-1 up and on the brink of glory. Gemmill picked the ball up on the edge of the Dutch box before nutmegging two players, after this he showed great composure to slot the ball past the Dutch keeper. Scotland only won by 1 goal after the men in Oranje pulled a goal back, and failed to progress, Netherlands reached the final before losing in extra time to hosts Argentina
7. Matt Taylor, Portsmouth vs Everton
what the FUCK
6. Manuel Negrete, Mexico vs Bulgaria, 1986
This goal is pure FILTH and should carry a health warning. I have no idea who Manuel Negrete is but for this goal, I love him. Enjoy
Top 15 Flairest GOALS ever part 1 (15-11)
(In my opinion)
This is a bit of a hard one for me, and i've tried as hard as i could to not confuse "good" with "flair"
To attempt to demonstrate my thought process
This (Milan Baros' goal at roughly 2:40) is flair. For a start, it's an amazing team move.....not by Brazil, or France, or Italy, but by the CZECH REPUBLIC, also look at who scored it......is it Pele? or Van Basten? or Maradona? No, that man lashing the ball home is Milan Baros. Yes, Milan Baros. This is why this is flair.
And this isn't
Yes, it's a superb team goal, but at the end of the day, it's Brazil......what's so special about a great Brazil goal, it happens all the time
So here are my top 15 flair goals (without thinking that much about it)
15. Dalian Atkinson, Aston Villa vs Wimbledon, 1993
This is a superb individual goal by a player who, despite promised much, was fairly average really. Here Dalian, starting off in his own half, dribbles past player after player before casually chipping the 'keeper. The greatest moment of his disappointing career
14. Milan Baros, Czech Republic vs Netherlands, 2004
Euro 2004 was a superb tournament for the Czech Republic. Their attacking 2-1-7 formation took teams by suprise as they strutted to the semi-finals before coming undone against anti-flair elitists, Greece. This goal (2.40 roughly) came in a thrilling 3-2 win over the Netherlands in which the Republic came back from 2-0 down. Blonde mega hero, Pavel Nedved lofts the ball into the "Diabolical Freak" Jan Koller to expertly chest into the path of anti-goal machine Milan Baros who twatted it home. Superb from start to finish.
13. David Ginola, Newcastle United vs Some Foreign Team, 1996 or 97 or something
David was the star man in possible the flairest team ever. He had it all, Coffee adverts, Shampoo adverts,.........everything. (I was actually at this game which is the only reason i remember it)
12. The entire Sengal national Team, Senegal vs Denmark, 2002
It'd be unfair to single out one Senegal player for this goal, because in fairness, they all scored it (it was actually Salif Diao). Senegal made their World Cup debut in 2002 and stunned the world when they defeated champions France 1-0 in the opening game. This superb team goal came in a 1-1 draw with Denmark. They later went on to draw with Uruguay and beating Sweden in the second round before losing heroicly to Turkey in the quarters. It is for this great counter attack goal that they are best remembered for.
11. Eric Cantona, Manchester United vs Sunderland, 1997 or something
Quoi MEC?
This is a bit of a hard one for me, and i've tried as hard as i could to not confuse "good" with "flair"
To attempt to demonstrate my thought process
This (Milan Baros' goal at roughly 2:40) is flair. For a start, it's an amazing team move.....not by Brazil, or France, or Italy, but by the CZECH REPUBLIC, also look at who scored it......is it Pele? or Van Basten? or Maradona? No, that man lashing the ball home is Milan Baros. Yes, Milan Baros. This is why this is flair.
And this isn't
Yes, it's a superb team goal, but at the end of the day, it's Brazil......what's so special about a great Brazil goal, it happens all the time
So here are my top 15 flair goals (without thinking that much about it)
15. Dalian Atkinson, Aston Villa vs Wimbledon, 1993
This is a superb individual goal by a player who, despite promised much, was fairly average really. Here Dalian, starting off in his own half, dribbles past player after player before casually chipping the 'keeper. The greatest moment of his disappointing career
14. Milan Baros, Czech Republic vs Netherlands, 2004
Euro 2004 was a superb tournament for the Czech Republic. Their attacking 2-1-7 formation took teams by suprise as they strutted to the semi-finals before coming undone against anti-flair elitists, Greece. This goal (2.40 roughly) came in a thrilling 3-2 win over the Netherlands in which the Republic came back from 2-0 down. Blonde mega hero, Pavel Nedved lofts the ball into the "Diabolical Freak" Jan Koller to expertly chest into the path of anti-goal machine Milan Baros who twatted it home. Superb from start to finish.
13. David Ginola, Newcastle United vs Some Foreign Team, 1996 or 97 or something
David was the star man in possible the flairest team ever. He had it all, Coffee adverts, Shampoo adverts,.........everything. (I was actually at this game which is the only reason i remember it)
12. The entire Sengal national Team, Senegal vs Denmark, 2002
It'd be unfair to single out one Senegal player for this goal, because in fairness, they all scored it (it was actually Salif Diao). Senegal made their World Cup debut in 2002 and stunned the world when they defeated champions France 1-0 in the opening game. This superb team goal came in a 1-1 draw with Denmark. They later went on to draw with Uruguay and beating Sweden in the second round before losing heroicly to Turkey in the quarters. It is for this great counter attack goal that they are best remembered for.
11. Eric Cantona, Manchester United vs Sunderland, 1997 or something
Quoi MEC?
Wednesday 7 July 2010
Belated TSLR articles, number 2
And here is the april edition x
FLAIRWATCH
By Tom Stewart
For this months words of wisdom, I thought I'd focus on one of Gus' latest additions to the the Flair Orchestra, aswell as rounding up on a season that has been described as the "Festival of Flair".
Lee Andrew Hendrie was born on the 18th of May, 1977 in Birmingham. A product of the famous Aston Villa youth academy, which has produced the likes of Darius Vassell, Lee quickly shot to fame with a flurry of excellent performances in the Claret & Blue. Whilst at Villa, Hendrie earned his one and only England cap against the Czech Republic. This makes him the Albion's first former England international since sexy Dave Beasant acted as our chief custodian.
Whilst at Stoke, in an ill-tempered clash with Colchester, he swore and spat at home fans after fouling one of their players. In the same game, he asked if Kem Izzet fancied washing his Ferrari.
Lee is also a bit of a casanova. Having married his child-hood sweetheart, the marriage lasted a matter of MINUTES after it was revealed that he had been having a bit of side dish action, whilst neglecting his main course. In this instance, the garlic bread must've been phenomenal, as Lee walked out on his main dish, and ......chips (i couldn't think of anything else that could act as a metaphor for children), and moved in with the garlic bread. The Steak was not happy, and scratched CHILDISH insults such as "prick" and "wanker" into his £60,000 Porsche. After breaking up with the garlic bread, Lee started an a-list celebrity relationship with superstar Jade Goody. A friend of the former Big Brother runner-up stated "“Jade thinks Lee is the best thing since sliced bread because he’s rich and a fit footballer. Something is in the air.”". Hendrie's ex-wife, who is now coming across, as quite frankly, bitter, was quoted as saying “Lee was at it with women even worse looking than Jade while with me, so nothing surprises me." (source: "the sun")
The dream coupling was not to last, however, and as Lee's days at the top dried out, so did his chances with the Ladies.
Hopefully, whilst at the Flair Orchestra, Hendrie can recrapture the form that saw him once described as "quite good". He has hinted that he would like to jump aboard the flairboat, which, to be honest, who wouldn't?
The season started badly in the flair department. As much of a hero as he is, Russell Slade is more efficiant than flair. However, the signings of Bennett, Mark Wright (remember him?) and a Scottish goalkeepers were glimmers of hope. The thrashing at Huddersfield was a particularly highlight, but it wasn't until Poyet and Tarrico started bringing in their own players that the season really took off. Flair icon, Inigo Calderon, is looking like an actual footballer, and Lomana Lua-Lua's brother was another astute addition. A Slovakian Goalkeeper, the return of Seb Carole and Hendrie, (plus Diego "the invisible man" Arismendi) are indications that Poyet knows what the Flairniacs want- he is one of us. Hopefully he can build on this and bring in more players capable of cracking open the Flairrerro Rochers (phrase stolen from Brett Mendoza). Gustavo Poyet is becomming my favourite Human, and all is good on the south coast. People are starting to think like us, Flair Comrades.
My wishlist:
More Uruguayans (in particular centre backs)
A Spanish midfield playmaker
Lua-Lua
Some form of Asian
Calderon
Viva la Revolucion!
FLAIRWATCH
By Tom Stewart
For this months words of wisdom, I thought I'd focus on one of Gus' latest additions to the the Flair Orchestra, aswell as rounding up on a season that has been described as the "Festival of Flair".
Lee Andrew Hendrie was born on the 18th of May, 1977 in Birmingham. A product of the famous Aston Villa youth academy, which has produced the likes of Darius Vassell, Lee quickly shot to fame with a flurry of excellent performances in the Claret & Blue. Whilst at Villa, Hendrie earned his one and only England cap against the Czech Republic. This makes him the Albion's first former England international since sexy Dave Beasant acted as our chief custodian.
Whilst at Stoke, in an ill-tempered clash with Colchester, he swore and spat at home fans after fouling one of their players. In the same game, he asked if Kem Izzet fancied washing his Ferrari.
Lee is also a bit of a casanova. Having married his child-hood sweetheart, the marriage lasted a matter of MINUTES after it was revealed that he had been having a bit of side dish action, whilst neglecting his main course. In this instance, the garlic bread must've been phenomenal, as Lee walked out on his main dish, and ......chips (i couldn't think of anything else that could act as a metaphor for children), and moved in with the garlic bread. The Steak was not happy, and scratched CHILDISH insults such as "prick" and "wanker" into his £60,000 Porsche. After breaking up with the garlic bread, Lee started an a-list celebrity relationship with superstar Jade Goody. A friend of the former Big Brother runner-up stated "“Jade thinks Lee is the best thing since sliced bread because he’s rich and a fit footballer. Something is in the air.”". Hendrie's ex-wife, who is now coming across, as quite frankly, bitter, was quoted as saying “Lee was at it with women even worse looking than Jade while with me, so nothing surprises me." (source: "the sun")
The dream coupling was not to last, however, and as Lee's days at the top dried out, so did his chances with the Ladies.
Hopefully, whilst at the Flair Orchestra, Hendrie can recrapture the form that saw him once described as "quite good". He has hinted that he would like to jump aboard the flairboat, which, to be honest, who wouldn't?
The season started badly in the flair department. As much of a hero as he is, Russell Slade is more efficiant than flair. However, the signings of Bennett, Mark Wright (remember him?) and a Scottish goalkeepers were glimmers of hope. The thrashing at Huddersfield was a particularly highlight, but it wasn't until Poyet and Tarrico started bringing in their own players that the season really took off. Flair icon, Inigo Calderon, is looking like an actual footballer, and Lomana Lua-Lua's brother was another astute addition. A Slovakian Goalkeeper, the return of Seb Carole and Hendrie, (plus Diego "the invisible man" Arismendi) are indications that Poyet knows what the Flairniacs want- he is one of us. Hopefully he can build on this and bring in more players capable of cracking open the Flairrerro Rochers (phrase stolen from Brett Mendoza). Gustavo Poyet is becomming my favourite Human, and all is good on the south coast. People are starting to think like us, Flair Comrades.
My wishlist:
More Uruguayans (in particular centre backs)
A Spanish midfield playmaker
Lua-Lua
Some form of Asian
Calderon
Viva la Revolucion!
Belated TSLR articles, number 1
Hello disciple! Apologies for not posting much lately, but, World Cup aside, summer is a barren time for flair ramblings. Expect a World Cup FLAIRview next week, however.
Anyway, i completely forgot to post these two articles written for The Seagulls Love Review fanzine. These were in the March and April editions respectively.
First up is my March offering, enjoy
ALBION FLAIRWATCH
By Tom Stewart
When Tony Bloom made the bold step of employing a Uruguayan to lead his army into battle, I greeted the news with uncontrollable excitement. I have, for years, envied clubs with foreign managers. Look at some of the flairest "gaffers" to grace the English game- Jose, Ruud, Gianluca....the list is endless, and now this was happening to US. Dick Knight often seemed scared to go for the flair option- remember Winfried "Winnie" Schäfer? But now we have a man in charge who really understands what the FLAIRNIACS want from life- and that ideal is typified by one man- GUS POYET.
Many FLAIR enthusiasts consider Mark Mcghee's reign as the Albion's first "Flair Reich". Mark was a man who really understood what life was about. His love of foreign players (Turienzo, Molango, Carole, Bertin, Bagayoko etc.) and young English players with appalling attitudes (Knight) was a recipe for FLAIRsaster. Mark also won hands down in the attire department, with his love of White suits, making him a bit of a lady’s man. If truth be told, the style of play during McGhee's Reich was far from Flair in the non-flairniac world, but the real connoisseurs were able to look beyond this and see a man really trying his best. Throwing player's off coaches (not literally), falling out with the clubs top scorer (sound familiar?) and overseeing a reported RACIAL DIVIDE all contributed to a totalitarian flair regime,
Now Gus is leading the Second "Flair Reich". With an Argentinean at his side (Maricio Tarrico- who was an ANIMAL on the pitch), things are looking good. Gus's first major flairchievement was recruiting defensive maestro Inigo Calderon (who is my new hero). Inigo is a rampaging right back and has impressed fans with his play. "The Matador" was originally written off by the anti-flair mafia at the Albion, but even they must've fallen in love with the lovable Basque right-back. Not content with adding "Latino" to our racial quota, Gus landed a major coup, in landing Newcastle winger Kazenga Lua-Lua. "Kaz" is brother of "the dalai-lama of flair", Lomana Lua-Lua, who lit up the Premiership, mainly with Portsmouth. Kazenga has impressed with his rapid pace and trickery thus far, and is close to extending his spell until the end of the season. If you're impressed by those two (I conveniently missed out Sebastien Carole's third spell at the club), then you'll have liquids gushing from your every orifice at Gus' next move. Diego Arismendi is a Uruguayan midfielder, who has won the South American version of the Champion's League AND has played for his national side. Diego moved to Premier League flairists, Stoke City for £2.5m, but had struggled to settle in England. City fans that have been lucky enough to witness his two appearances in the famous Red & White stripes have praised his technical ability. Arismendi became so depressed with life in the midlands that he shaved all his hair off- who can blame him? He was also sent off in a reserve fixture for head butting an opponent. What really caps it off for me is that he forced his neighbour out of their luxury home, after causing them so much grief with his late night partying. Here's hoping he continues this down on the south coast. The fact that he signed for the club because Gus Poyet is his HERO proves that Mr. Bloom made the right choice. Gus seems fairly content with life down here, and for me, is the only man I want leading us out at Falmer (apart from Jose Mourinho or Kevin Keegan obviously), so here’s to a long and successful Second Reich!
Anyway, i completely forgot to post these two articles written for The Seagulls Love Review fanzine. These were in the March and April editions respectively.
First up is my March offering, enjoy
ALBION FLAIRWATCH
By Tom Stewart
When Tony Bloom made the bold step of employing a Uruguayan to lead his army into battle, I greeted the news with uncontrollable excitement. I have, for years, envied clubs with foreign managers. Look at some of the flairest "gaffers" to grace the English game- Jose, Ruud, Gianluca....the list is endless, and now this was happening to US. Dick Knight often seemed scared to go for the flair option- remember Winfried "Winnie" Schäfer? But now we have a man in charge who really understands what the FLAIRNIACS want from life- and that ideal is typified by one man- GUS POYET.
Many FLAIR enthusiasts consider Mark Mcghee's reign as the Albion's first "Flair Reich". Mark was a man who really understood what life was about. His love of foreign players (Turienzo, Molango, Carole, Bertin, Bagayoko etc.) and young English players with appalling attitudes (Knight) was a recipe for FLAIRsaster. Mark also won hands down in the attire department, with his love of White suits, making him a bit of a lady’s man. If truth be told, the style of play during McGhee's Reich was far from Flair in the non-flairniac world, but the real connoisseurs were able to look beyond this and see a man really trying his best. Throwing player's off coaches (not literally), falling out with the clubs top scorer (sound familiar?) and overseeing a reported RACIAL DIVIDE all contributed to a totalitarian flair regime,
Now Gus is leading the Second "Flair Reich". With an Argentinean at his side (Maricio Tarrico- who was an ANIMAL on the pitch), things are looking good. Gus's first major flairchievement was recruiting defensive maestro Inigo Calderon (who is my new hero). Inigo is a rampaging right back and has impressed fans with his play. "The Matador" was originally written off by the anti-flair mafia at the Albion, but even they must've fallen in love with the lovable Basque right-back. Not content with adding "Latino" to our racial quota, Gus landed a major coup, in landing Newcastle winger Kazenga Lua-Lua. "Kaz" is brother of "the dalai-lama of flair", Lomana Lua-Lua, who lit up the Premiership, mainly with Portsmouth. Kazenga has impressed with his rapid pace and trickery thus far, and is close to extending his spell until the end of the season. If you're impressed by those two (I conveniently missed out Sebastien Carole's third spell at the club), then you'll have liquids gushing from your every orifice at Gus' next move. Diego Arismendi is a Uruguayan midfielder, who has won the South American version of the Champion's League AND has played for his national side. Diego moved to Premier League flairists, Stoke City for £2.5m, but had struggled to settle in England. City fans that have been lucky enough to witness his two appearances in the famous Red & White stripes have praised his technical ability. Arismendi became so depressed with life in the midlands that he shaved all his hair off- who can blame him? He was also sent off in a reserve fixture for head butting an opponent. What really caps it off for me is that he forced his neighbour out of their luxury home, after causing them so much grief with his late night partying. Here's hoping he continues this down on the south coast. The fact that he signed for the club because Gus Poyet is his HERO proves that Mr. Bloom made the right choice. Gus seems fairly content with life down here, and for me, is the only man I want leading us out at Falmer (apart from Jose Mourinho or Kevin Keegan obviously), so here’s to a long and successful Second Reich!
Wednesday 19 May 2010
************Michel Kuipers Special**********
Written by Tom Witham esq.
People often ask me to sum up Michel Kuipers in one word. I can’t. It’s an impossible challenge. The reason for this is that Michel brought so many flair attributes to the albion party for so long. It would be doing the man a great disservice to think his work could be concluded so cheaply and rapidly. But we must now face up to the fact that Michel will no longer be around to pull us through the non-flair times. Just as the country did in 1997 after the death of Princess Diana, and Coronation Street did following the departure of Curly Watts, we must mourn, come to terms and move on. I have decided to put myself on the long road to recovery first by turning my attention to the much-anticipated Michel Kuipers testimonial, expected to take place within the next two years. In order to get your flair buds moist, I’ve put together a dream team of players I believe all true flairniacs would like to see take to the Falmer field as the opposition for the match in question. Each of the players making up the eleven has been specially chosen for a flair attribute they share with the Dutch Bruce Grobbelaar.
1. Goalkeeper
We start with the individual faced with taking on Michel in his own specialist subject – goalkeeping. After much deliberation I believe the man to take up the gloves should be Jens Lehmann, with timewasting cited as his number one Michel attribute. Who will ever forget Jens’ lame attempts to throw the ball over an advertising hoarding some years ago? Or his continual swapping of sides when taking a goal kick? It’s a tough task to out-timewaste Kuipers, but someone has to do it, and Lehmann is that man.
2. Right-back
Rumour has it that in the 1990s with Warren Barton on top of his game on Tyneside, Michel paid a visit to Kevin Keegan’s flair dictatorship to learn the ropes. Warren, perfect gentleman that he is, took the Dutchman under his wing and the pair spent many nights together. Despite being forced to retire after an injury that wasted more talent than George Best’s liver, Warren kept in touch with the albion stopper and mentored him through his career.
3. Left-back
Georgi Kinkladze. He has no link to Michel Kuipers or indeed Brighton and Hove Albion. He’s not even a left-back. But this is a flair team and flair = Georgi. He starts.
4. Centre-back
It’s clear to many of us that one of the major weapons in Michel’s armoury is the colour of his skin. All of the great flair icons are black – Tony Yeboah, Usain Bolt, Cilla, Michael Jackson et al. On this basis I’ve gone for ex-Gillingham stalwart Brent Sancho to marshal the back line.
5. Centre-back
Holland maketh the man. Let’s recognise the nation that gave us Michel by allowing one of his countrymen into our prestigious eleven. I nominate Jaap Stam. Flair attributes I hear you cry? Failed drug test should cover it.
6. Central midfield
A popular feature of Kuipers’ play over the years has been his ability to fly off the handle. All true flair composers will either be mentally challenged or so calm they appear to be under the influence. So, it is only right we find someone to dictate play with that same level of hot-headedness. For me, the key signing in this team is Joey Barton. He will also wear the flair play armband.
7. Right-wing
It was tricky deciding whether the attribute this man shares with Michel most is extreme beauty or ever-changing hairstyles, but I’ve opted for the latter. It is of course pin-up boy and flairniac favourite Djibril Cisse. Ok, where one had white highlights on a black man’s head the other flitted between baldness and dreadlocks, but the important thing is that commitment to a great head of hair is unrivalled in world football.
8. Central midfield
Everyone loves a Scandinavian. Lars Bohinen, Oyvind Leonhardsen and Roland Nilsson are just some of the names etched into our memories forever. But I’ve looked to Thomas Brolin for inclusion here, sharing the trait of being shit in England upon arrival with our esteemed ex-goalkeeper. The difference, of course, is that where one recovered after 45 minutes, the other, er, didn’t.
9. Striker
We’ve all had nights where we just can’t sleep, and only the soothing sound of one of the flair army speaking can settle us. Michel’s voice has arguably been responsible for some of my bed’s most memorable moments. As such, I would like to recognise this by bringing another man with a beautiful voice into the reckoning. Yes, Sven-Goran Eriksson makes the cut and will play the second-striker role.
10. Striker
Goals, goals, goals. Michel was responsible for stopping them, but our team needs someone to bang them in. I nominate Branko Strupar, to be replaced by Dean Sturridge, who will in turn be withdrawn for Paulo Wanchope. No team can ever have too many representatives from Jim Smith’s legendary Derby County team of the 90s. End. Of. Story.
11. Left-wing
It seems only appropriate that we bring our second guest star into the game at this point, and prepare to welcome onto the hallowed turf ex-prime minister Tony (Flair) Blair. The legendary left-winger will simply entertain, Michel-style. Results don’t matter with Tony on board.
Manager – John Sitton. No more to be said.
Tony Blair get's some early practice in
Thursday 25 February 2010
Top 10- Flair Managers
Managing any football club is a high stressful occupation, which is why many of them will turn into eccentric flair bastards, here is my top 10.....IAN HOLLOWAY IS NOT IN THIS BECAUSE HE TRIES TOO HARD
10. Raymond Domenech- Mulhouse, Lyon, France u-21, France
flair attributes- uses astrology for team selections
Raymond is the current manager of the French national side, he raised eyebrows when he admitted that he bases his team selections of astronomy, and has a distrust of Scorpio's. He has often dropped and called up players randomly, often without explanation or reason. Most French writers consider him to be "merde".
9. Ruud Gullit- Chelsea, Newcastle United, Feyenoord, LA Galaxy
LOOK AT THAT HAT!!!!!!! AND HE WEARS CRAVATS!!!!!!!!!!
7. Sir Bobby Robson- Fulham, Ipswich Town, England, PSV Eindhoven, Sporting CP, Porto, Barcelona, Newcastle United
flair attributes- really nice, managed flair teams, mixing players names up, building newcastle's 2nd flair reich, discovering Ronaldo (the old one)
Sir Bobby is a legend of the footballing world. His charismatic charm and smile endeared him to everyone. A successful spell with Ipswich where he saw them lift the UEFA Cup was followed by a long spell as England manager. A Quarter Final and Semi Final record means that he is the nations second most successful manager. After a spell managing aboard for several clubs (he discovered RONALDO(the proper one)) he returned to his boyhood heroes, Newcastle United. Here he constructed an ultimate flair unit, with the likes of Kieron Dyer, Lee Bowyer, Titus Bramble and Craig Bellamy. Doubts as to whether he, at his old age, could handle all of these mega brutes led to his sacking. He died last year.
Mark Mcghee was a member of Alex Ferguson's hugely successful Aberdeen side of the 1980's, and was seen as a natural successor to Ferguson when he stepped into the managerial game. However, since starting off at Reading, he has failed to settle at any club. He seems to follow the same pattern wherever he goes, he will do well for 2 years before going insane and falling out with everyone. I witnessed this happening at Brighton. He guided the Seagulls to promotion from League 1 to the Championship in his first season, kept them up the next, before going insane and calling everyone cunts. A mega fall out with star striker Leon Knight, aswell as Mark McCammon (he made him walk home from Burnley, although he actually just got a lift) blighted a season which saw the team relegated. Oh, and he would often wear all white suits to games.
5.John Sitton- Leyton Orient
flair attributes- incredible outburst on tv
"You, you little cunt, when I tell you to do something, and you, you fucking big cunt, when I tell you to do something, do it. And if you come back at me, we'll have a fucking right sort-out in here. All right? And you can pair up if you like, and you can fucking pick someone else to help you, and you can bring your fucking dinner. 'Cos by the time I've finished with you, you'll fucking need it."
4. Brian Clough OBE- Hartlepool United, Derby County, Brighton & Hove Albion, Leeds United, Nottingham Forest
flair attributes- arrogance, alcohol, crazy man management
"Old Big 'Ead" is one of the games most loved characters. A league winner with Derby County (yes, DERBY COUNTY) and Nottingham Forest (YEAH!) where he also won the European Cup (!) twice (TWICE!). He inexplicably never got the chance to manage England, seen as too big a character for the FA to handle, he later said ""I’m sure the England selectors thought if they took me on and gave me the job, I’d want to run the show. They were shrewd because that’s exactly what I would have done"
Clough was famed for his amazing man management, and making his players play the game fairly and attractively, he was years ahead of his time. The book and film "The Damned United" was made about his unsuccessful short spell with Leeds United.
Below are some of the gems that left his mouth
"If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he'd have put grass up there."
"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."
"I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball - he might grab mine."
"Rome wasn't built in a day. But I wasn't on that particular job."
"I only ever hit Roy [Keane] the once. He got up so I couldn't have hit him very hard."
flair attributes- awful england managerial career, built newcastle's first flair reich, failure to deal with pressure
Kevin Keegan constructed the flairest team ever to grace the Premier League. They were so utterly flair it was incredible. They paid little to no attention to defence whatsoever. The fact that they surrendered the title in the 1995-96 season, when it was almost in their grasp proves just how flair they really were. In that season Keegan crumbled under pressure in a way that has rarely been beaten before or since. His "I'D LOVE IT IF WE BEAT THEM" rant live on TV was one of the flairest moments ever. He later repeated this flairitude with Man City with the likes of George Weah and Paolo Wanchope. He is perhaps best known for his awful spell as England manager, however, where England failed to progress to the 2nd round in Euro 2000 in a tournament marred by strange team selections and individual errors. "King Kev" is a true flair hero.
Few people remember Gazza's managerial career, and that is because it lasted all of 39 days. He was appointed manager of Kettering Town in 2005 after an action packed career in which he played for the likes of Newcastle, Tottenham, Rangers and Lazio. After struggling with fitness and mental illness, Gazza hung up his boots and went into the coaching and managerial game. However, whilst manager, his alcohol problems spiralled out of control, and the chairman sacked him. Since then he has hit rock bottom and was arrested for assault on the day of his sacking and has since been institutionalised after going on a mad rampage through a Newcastle hotel, and has made the odd brief recovery.
1. Jose Mourinho- Benfica, UD Leiria, Porto, Chelsea, Internazionale
flair attributes- silver fox, "the special one"
This Portuguese silver fox stated ""Please don't call me arrogant, but I'm European champion and I think I'm a special one,"" when he joined Chelsea. He has since blessed the world with his arrogance and self assurance. He has every right to be, as, at a fairly young age, he is already one of the most successful managers in history. He shot to fame when he guided the unfancied FC Porto to back to back Uefa Cup and Champions League wins, before joining Chelsea. Here he guided the Blues to their first title in YONKS before falling out with chairman Roman Abramovich and leaving, later joining Internazionale. He has always used a tactic of criticising referees and opposing players to take the pressure off of his own players, which has angered many of his opponents.
10. Raymond Domenech- Mulhouse, Lyon, France u-21, France
flair attributes- uses astrology for team selections
Raymond is the current manager of the French national side, he raised eyebrows when he admitted that he bases his team selections of astronomy, and has a distrust of Scorpio's. He has often dropped and called up players randomly, often without explanation or reason. Most French writers consider him to be "merde".
9. Ruud Gullit- Chelsea, Newcastle United, Feyenoord, LA Galaxy
flair attributes- dreadlock/suit combo, "sexy football"
After a hugely successful playing career, this dreadlocked Dutchman became manager of (then cool) Chelsea. Parented by father George Gullit and his mistress, Ria Dil, Gullit originally went by his mothers name until changing to Gullit because "it sounded more like a footballers name". He saw out his playing career at Chelsea and took over as manager when Glenn Hoddle became England Coach. At Chelsea he instigated the birth of "Sexy Football". Chelsea were the flair kings of England, with such icons as Gus Poyet, Gianfranco Zola, Frank LeBeouf, Gianluca Vialli, Jody Morris, Ed de Gooij and Marcel Desailly. Gullit was the first non-british manager to lift the FA Cup (1997), but left the club after a financial dispute. He later had a very unsuccessful spell at Newcastle, where he angered fans for leaving out hero Alan Shearer in the "Tyne-Wear Derby" and refusing to play Rob Lee. Since leaving England he has managed Feyenoord and LA Galaxy.
8. Paul Tisdale- Team Bath, Exeter City
LOOK AT THAT HAT!!!!!!! AND HE WEARS CRAVATS!!!!!!!!!!
7. Sir Bobby Robson- Fulham, Ipswich Town, England, PSV Eindhoven, Sporting CP, Porto, Barcelona, Newcastle United
flair attributes- really nice, managed flair teams, mixing players names up, building newcastle's 2nd flair reich, discovering Ronaldo (the old one)
Sir Bobby is a legend of the footballing world. His charismatic charm and smile endeared him to everyone. A successful spell with Ipswich where he saw them lift the UEFA Cup was followed by a long spell as England manager. A Quarter Final and Semi Final record means that he is the nations second most successful manager. After a spell managing aboard for several clubs (he discovered RONALDO(the proper one)) he returned to his boyhood heroes, Newcastle United. Here he constructed an ultimate flair unit, with the likes of Kieron Dyer, Lee Bowyer, Titus Bramble and Craig Bellamy. Doubts as to whether he, at his old age, could handle all of these mega brutes led to his sacking. He died last year.
6. Mark Mcghee- Reading, Leicester City, Wolverhampton Wanderers, Millwall, Brighton & Hove Albion, Motherwell, Aberdeen
Mark Mcghee was a member of Alex Ferguson's hugely successful Aberdeen side of the 1980's, and was seen as a natural successor to Ferguson when he stepped into the managerial game. However, since starting off at Reading, he has failed to settle at any club. He seems to follow the same pattern wherever he goes, he will do well for 2 years before going insane and falling out with everyone. I witnessed this happening at Brighton. He guided the Seagulls to promotion from League 1 to the Championship in his first season, kept them up the next, before going insane and calling everyone cunts. A mega fall out with star striker Leon Knight, aswell as Mark McCammon (he made him walk home from Burnley, although he actually just got a lift) blighted a season which saw the team relegated. Oh, and he would often wear all white suits to games.
5.John Sitton- Leyton Orient
flair attributes- incredible outburst on tv
"You, you little cunt, when I tell you to do something, and you, you fucking big cunt, when I tell you to do something, do it. And if you come back at me, we'll have a fucking right sort-out in here. All right? And you can pair up if you like, and you can fucking pick someone else to help you, and you can bring your fucking dinner. 'Cos by the time I've finished with you, you'll fucking need it."
4. Brian Clough OBE- Hartlepool United, Derby County, Brighton & Hove Albion, Leeds United, Nottingham Forest
flair attributes- arrogance, alcohol, crazy man management
"Old Big 'Ead" is one of the games most loved characters. A league winner with Derby County (yes, DERBY COUNTY) and Nottingham Forest (YEAH!) where he also won the European Cup (!) twice (TWICE!). He inexplicably never got the chance to manage England, seen as too big a character for the FA to handle, he later said ""I’m sure the England selectors thought if they took me on and gave me the job, I’d want to run the show. They were shrewd because that’s exactly what I would have done"
Clough was famed for his amazing man management, and making his players play the game fairly and attractively, he was years ahead of his time. The book and film "The Damned United" was made about his unsuccessful short spell with Leeds United.
Below are some of the gems that left his mouth
"If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he'd have put grass up there."
"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."
"I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball - he might grab mine."
"Rome wasn't built in a day. But I wasn't on that particular job."
"I only ever hit Roy [Keane] the once. He got up so I couldn't have hit him very hard."
"I'm dealing with my drinking problem and I have a reputation for getting things done."
"We talk about it for twenty minutes and then we decide I was right."
"I like my women to be feminine, not sliding into tackles and covered in mud."
"He should guide Posh in the direction of a singing coach because she's nowhere near as good at her job as her husband."
3. Kevin Keegan OBE- Newcastle United, Fulham, England, Manchester City
flair attributes- awful england managerial career, built newcastle's first flair reich, failure to deal with pressure
Kevin Keegan constructed the flairest team ever to grace the Premier League. They were so utterly flair it was incredible. They paid little to no attention to defence whatsoever. The fact that they surrendered the title in the 1995-96 season, when it was almost in their grasp proves just how flair they really were. In that season Keegan crumbled under pressure in a way that has rarely been beaten before or since. His "I'D LOVE IT IF WE BEAT THEM" rant live on TV was one of the flairest moments ever. He later repeated this flairitude with Man City with the likes of George Weah and Paolo Wanchope. He is perhaps best known for his awful spell as England manager, however, where England failed to progress to the 2nd round in Euro 2000 in a tournament marred by strange team selections and individual errors. "King Kev" is a true flair hero.
2. Paul Gascoigne- Kettering Town
flair attributes- the fact that anyone ever thought that he was a suitable man for a managerial positionFew people remember Gazza's managerial career, and that is because it lasted all of 39 days. He was appointed manager of Kettering Town in 2005 after an action packed career in which he played for the likes of Newcastle, Tottenham, Rangers and Lazio. After struggling with fitness and mental illness, Gazza hung up his boots and went into the coaching and managerial game. However, whilst manager, his alcohol problems spiralled out of control, and the chairman sacked him. Since then he has hit rock bottom and was arrested for assault on the day of his sacking and has since been institutionalised after going on a mad rampage through a Newcastle hotel, and has made the odd brief recovery.
1. Jose Mourinho- Benfica, UD Leiria, Porto, Chelsea, Internazionale
flair attributes- silver fox, "the special one"
This Portuguese silver fox stated ""Please don't call me arrogant, but I'm European champion and I think I'm a special one,"" when he joined Chelsea. He has since blessed the world with his arrogance and self assurance. He has every right to be, as, at a fairly young age, he is already one of the most successful managers in history. He shot to fame when he guided the unfancied FC Porto to back to back Uefa Cup and Champions League wins, before joining Chelsea. Here he guided the Blues to their first title in YONKS before falling out with chairman Roman Abramovich and leaving, later joining Internazionale. He has always used a tactic of criticising referees and opposing players to take the pressure off of his own players, which has angered many of his opponents.My New Hero- Iñigo Calderón
Gus Poyet was criticised by sections of the anti-flair mafia that plague Brighton games for signing a fairly unknown Spanish (Basque) right-back going by the name of Iñigo Calderón. "blah blah blah we've already got Andrew Whing blah blah blah and Gavin Hoyte blah blah blah"
Calderón had been without a club since leaving former UEFA Cup finalists Deportivo Alaves in the summer and had had unsuccessful trials at several English clubs, before sexy Gus took a gamble.
Iñigo Calderón has dazzled Albion fans with his swashbuckling attitude to football, and will hopefully be at the club for a long, long time.
If i had my way, i'd make Iñigo Calderón player/life president and have Falmer named after him. He's even overtaken Federico Turienzo as my favourite ever human.
:)
Tuesday 2 February 2010
Top 10: Flair Goalkeepers
Goalkeepers have had a long connection with Flair. The potential for flair kits and erratic play is almost endless for these frustrated beings. They say that all goalkeepers are crazy, and here is proof, as i CONFIRM the top 10 flair goalkeepers.
10. Dmitri Kharine- USSR/CIS/Russia
The mid-90's was a golden era for flair. This was before the large influx of foreigners into the English game, which meant that the few heroes that did board the newly opened Channel Tunnel stood out like Gary Glitter in a playground. Kharine, a Russian international, was a trail blazer in the field of erratic goalkeeping. Wearing his trademark jogging bottoms, Kharine shocked the nation with a brand of play never seen before on this island. He is now giving something back to the community and is coaching a new breed of flair goalkeepers at Luton Town.
9. Jorge Campos- Mexico
Never has anyone encapsulated "kit flair" to the same extent as this Latino Flair hero. Campos insisted on designing his own kits, and, as you can see above, produced tremendous results. He played most of his football in his native Mexico, and would often play upfront for periods of games. When he did play in goal he would often bedazzle the crowd with his outfield prowess, inspiring the likes of Ben Roberts with his dribbling skills. Like Kharine, Campos is now a coach.
8. Yoshi Kawaguchi- Japan
Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi is a national icon in his native football mad Japan, almost as big as they come. However, he was an absolute disaster when he jumped aboard Milan Mandaric's Portsmouth Flar boat. Standing at 5 foot 10, white booted and short sleeved he was far too small to be a goalkeeper in the hustle and bustle of English football, and was often outmuscled by the burlish strikers found in England. Losing his place to fellow flairist Shaka Hislop, he left England with his tail between his legs. He is now playing in his native Japan.
7. German Burgos- Argentina
This Argentinian sex god is in this list purely for his off field antics. German Burgos quit football to join a cult. On the pitch he was a typical South American keeper with a hot head and an erratic style. After realising he didn't want to be in a cult any longer he rejoined football to continue his flair odyssey. He is now in a rock band.
6. Rustu Recber- Turkey
A modern day flair icon who reminded fans of a byegone era of flair keeping. Rustu went into each game like it was a battle, with war paint smeared across his face and a playing style not seen since the days of Genghis Khan. After dominating the Turkish game he joined Spanish giants Barcelona but failed to establish himself there due to refusing to learn Spanish. He is now Turkey's leading appearance maker.
5. Bruce Grobbelaar- Zimbabwe
Mad as a box of frogs, this Zimbabwean enters our list at number 5. There have been few keepers who have played with such a flamboyant nature, Bruce was a part of the all-conquering Liverpool of the 1980's. I was unfortunate to have only seen Africa's finest in the twighlight years of his career, which could well have been a blessing, as it was around this time that he was embroiled in a match-fixing scandle and was declared bankrupt as he failed to pay the fine. Since then he has appeared on ITV's "Hell's Kitchen".
4. Rene Higuita- Colombia
This Colombian stopper was nicknamed "El Loco" by fans and critics alike for his erratic playing style. One of many goalkeepers convinced that they belong outfield, he would frequently attempt to dribble past strikers, sometimes resulting in disasterous consequences. He was one of the first keepers to actively try and score goals. Higuita was also one imprisoned on kidnapping charges, causing him to miss the 1994 World Cup. The above picture shows him performing the now infamous "scorpion kick".
3. Jens Lehmann- Germany
One of the most mentally unstable players ever to grace the world. This German giant was incredibly argumentative with officials, team mates and opponents alike. Often openly critical of rival goalkeepers Oliver Khan and Manuel Almunia. The best Jens moments came on field when he would give out a "Jensing" and intimidate opponents. He also recently urinated on pitch DURING play.
2. Mark Bosnich- Australia
See "Top 10: Flair Premiership Players"
1. Jose Luis Chilavert- Paraguay
Scorer of 62 goals in his career, Jose Luis Chilavert is a goalkeeping icon. The Paraguay stopper was a freekick and penalty expert, more skilled with his feet than many outfield players and equally adept with his hands. When his portly frame strode up to the ball, the opposing keeper knew where it was going, and that was into his goal. Never really appreciated in European club football (he only scored 1 goal in his spell in France), he enjoyed his best spell in Argentina, where he scored an incredible 48 goals for Velez Sarsfield. Post-retirement, Jose was imprisoned for 6 months in France for using illegal passport documents, and is now involved in renewable energy using seaweed (that is actually true).
10. Dmitri Kharine- USSR/CIS/Russia
The mid-90's was a golden era for flair. This was before the large influx of foreigners into the English game, which meant that the few heroes that did board the newly opened Channel Tunnel stood out like Gary Glitter in a playground. Kharine, a Russian international, was a trail blazer in the field of erratic goalkeeping. Wearing his trademark jogging bottoms, Kharine shocked the nation with a brand of play never seen before on this island. He is now giving something back to the community and is coaching a new breed of flair goalkeepers at Luton Town.9. Jorge Campos- Mexico
Never has anyone encapsulated "kit flair" to the same extent as this Latino Flair hero. Campos insisted on designing his own kits, and, as you can see above, produced tremendous results. He played most of his football in his native Mexico, and would often play upfront for periods of games. When he did play in goal he would often bedazzle the crowd with his outfield prowess, inspiring the likes of Ben Roberts with his dribbling skills. Like Kharine, Campos is now a coach.8. Yoshi Kawaguchi- Japan
Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi is a national icon in his native football mad Japan, almost as big as they come. However, he was an absolute disaster when he jumped aboard Milan Mandaric's Portsmouth Flar boat. Standing at 5 foot 10, white booted and short sleeved he was far too small to be a goalkeeper in the hustle and bustle of English football, and was often outmuscled by the burlish strikers found in England. Losing his place to fellow flairist Shaka Hislop, he left England with his tail between his legs. He is now playing in his native Japan.7. German Burgos- Argentina
This Argentinian sex god is in this list purely for his off field antics. German Burgos quit football to join a cult. On the pitch he was a typical South American keeper with a hot head and an erratic style. After realising he didn't want to be in a cult any longer he rejoined football to continue his flair odyssey. He is now in a rock band.6. Rustu Recber- Turkey
A modern day flair icon who reminded fans of a byegone era of flair keeping. Rustu went into each game like it was a battle, with war paint smeared across his face and a playing style not seen since the days of Genghis Khan. After dominating the Turkish game he joined Spanish giants Barcelona but failed to establish himself there due to refusing to learn Spanish. He is now Turkey's leading appearance maker.5. Bruce Grobbelaar- Zimbabwe
Mad as a box of frogs, this Zimbabwean enters our list at number 5. There have been few keepers who have played with such a flamboyant nature, Bruce was a part of the all-conquering Liverpool of the 1980's. I was unfortunate to have only seen Africa's finest in the twighlight years of his career, which could well have been a blessing, as it was around this time that he was embroiled in a match-fixing scandle and was declared bankrupt as he failed to pay the fine. Since then he has appeared on ITV's "Hell's Kitchen".4. Rene Higuita- Colombia
This Colombian stopper was nicknamed "El Loco" by fans and critics alike for his erratic playing style. One of many goalkeepers convinced that they belong outfield, he would frequently attempt to dribble past strikers, sometimes resulting in disasterous consequences. He was one of the first keepers to actively try and score goals. Higuita was also one imprisoned on kidnapping charges, causing him to miss the 1994 World Cup. The above picture shows him performing the now infamous "scorpion kick".
3. Jens Lehmann- Germany
One of the most mentally unstable players ever to grace the world. This German giant was incredibly argumentative with officials, team mates and opponents alike. Often openly critical of rival goalkeepers Oliver Khan and Manuel Almunia. The best Jens moments came on field when he would give out a "Jensing" and intimidate opponents. He also recently urinated on pitch DURING play.2. Mark Bosnich- Australia
See "Top 10: Flair Premiership Players"
1. Jose Luis Chilavert- Paraguay
Scorer of 62 goals in his career, Jose Luis Chilavert is a goalkeeping icon. The Paraguay stopper was a freekick and penalty expert, more skilled with his feet than many outfield players and equally adept with his hands. When his portly frame strode up to the ball, the opposing keeper knew where it was going, and that was into his goal. Never really appreciated in European club football (he only scored 1 goal in his spell in France), he enjoyed his best spell in Argentina, where he scored an incredible 48 goals for Velez Sarsfield. Post-retirement, Jose was imprisoned for 6 months in France for using illegal passport documents, and is now involved in renewable energy using seaweed (that is actually true).
Top 10: Flair Rotherham United Players
Written by Scott McCarthy
TOP 10 ROTHERHAM FLAIR PLAYERS SINCE 1994
To those of you uneducated in the world of flair, you may not associate the words "Rotherham United" and "flair" as going hand in hand. But oh how wrong you would be. In that famous Millmoor Stadium surrounded by a scrapyard in a small corner of Yorkshire, some of the most flair names in world football have played their trade. Here are the Top 10:
10) Jason White
Flair Attributes: Having the surname white but being black
White was an important player for Rotherham when he first arrived in the Ronnie Moore revolution, netting 22 times. He went onto have a spell in Singapore, but is probably best known for being a large burly black man with the surname white.
9) Darren Byfield
Flair Attributes: Married to Jamelia, Jamaican international
Scored "the goal that never was" on his debut against West Brom, before going onto finish his Rotherham career with 22 goals before a ludicrous swap deal sent him to Sunderland in exchange for Michael Proctor. Capped by Jamaica and former husband of pop superstar Jamelia
8) Barry and Paul Chuckle
Flair Attributes: Television personalities, moustaches, vicious rumour about their death.
Fans of ChuckleVision will recall the time that Barry and Paul pulled on the Rotherham United jersey in the episode "Football Heroes". Their one Millers appearance resulted in an own goal and the subsequent costing of the game
7) Leo Fortune-West
Flair Attributes: Journeyman, wears glasses
A gentle giant, Leo caused unforetold problems as he helped Rotherham to promotion from Division Three with 17 goals. His doubled barrelled name saw the Millers Shop take record salves for shirt printing
6) Eugene Bopp
Flair Attributes: Russian, ex-Bayern Munich
Mmmm-Bopp spent one season at the Millers in 2006-2007, netting 5 goals from midfield in a side that was relegated. Born in the Soviet Union, he began his career at Bayern Munich which gains instant flair recognition. Somehow nearly ended up signing for Portsmouth last summer despite suffering two relegations into League Two in three seasons with both the Millers and Crewe.
5) Darren Garner
Flair Attributes: 10 years of service, turning on his own fans
After 10 years of service including two promotions and winning the Auto Windscreen Shield and 265 appearances, Garner ended his Rotherham career in controversial fashion. After being substituted in February 2005, he didn't agree with the decision and subsequently decided to have an argument with Ronnie Moore followed by the use of a two finger salute at the crowd. This, obviously, didn't sit well and so Garner was gone
4) Alan Lee
Flair Attributes: Goal against Brentford, Irish, Alan Lee song
Signed to replace Leo Fortune-West, Lee had a pretty poor start to his Millers career. He soon started banging them in, and earned instant legend status when he netted the last minute goal against Brentford with a miraculous shot on the turn to send Rotherham into the second tier for only the second time in their history
3) Guy Branston
Flair Attributes: Massive discipline issues, general psychopath
Branston didn't earn the nickname "Psycho" for no reason. Best described as an eager player, he has been sent off 18 times in his career - including three since signing for Burton in July. He took great pleasure in winding up opposition players and fans with his antics, including diving, fouling, moaning and sometimes using hand gestures to inform people that they were, in his opinion, wankers
2) Shaun Goater MBE
Flair Attributes: MBE, Bermudan
The world has a lot to thank Rotherham for - and its not just Barry and Paul Chuckle. If it wasn't for the Millers, Shaun Goater would never have made it in England and fans across the country would never have known the saying "Feed the goat and he will score." He spent 7 years at Millmoor, earning an Auto Windscreen Shield winners medal in 1996 before leaving for Bristol City after falling out with Archie Gemmill.
1) Júnior
Flair Attributes: Brazilian, being black but having blonde hair, legal and personal problems
Although he only spent 12 games at Millmoor scoring 2 goals, José Luiz Guimarães Sanabio Júnior will go down as flair icon. He has left no less than three clubs due to personal problems, one of them being legal issues. Had he have had the correct legal paperwork and Ronnie Moore had have had the funds and desire to sign him, Júnior could have become the greatest flair player in English football
Sunday 24 January 2010
Top 10: Flair Premiership Players
10 Stan Collymore- Nottingham Forest, Liverpool, Aston Villa, Leicester City, Bradford City
"Stan the man" started his Premiership life as a Nottingham Forest goal monster before defecting to Liverpool's "Spice Boys" for a then record fee. The Striker combined pace, strength and a good eye for goal as he created a lethal partnership with Robbie Fowler. He revealed that the Liverpool dressing room was a hedonistic flair dungeon, with a total lack of discipline and frequent hotel orgies- one of the reasons as to why they are considered to be an all time top flair outfit. Collymore had a knack for irritating managers with his less than perfect attitude, and it didn't take long before Liverpool had had enough, and he was on his way to Aston Villa. more fallings out in the second city led to Stan moving once more. Short spells with Leicester, Bradford and Oviedo in Spain preceded an early retirement. Poor fitness and a shoddy attitude had ruined what was a highly promising career.
Off the field, Stan was less than a gentleman. It was revealed by a certain Swedish serial footballer humper that he had regularly beaten her. He was also caught participating in the flair sexual act of "dogging".
Since retirement, Stan had a brief acting and music career, befriending Ice Cube, before settling down with a media career. He now hosts a programme for "Talk Sport".
9 Hidetoshi Nakata- Bolton Wanderers
Japanese icon, Hidetoshi Nakata, was recruited to Bolton's flair ranks in 2005. Here he teamed up with fellow flairists Jay Jay Okocha and Youri Djourkaeff. Nakata burst onto the scene before the 1998 world cup when he announced that he would be the player of the tournament (whether he was is still open for debate), and later completed a dream move to Serie A side Perugia. Hidetoshi enjoyed a happy spell in Italy with Parma, Fiorentina, and Roma- where he won his first silverware. He was rewarded with one of the highest honours in Italy- being made a Knight of the Italian star of solidarity, for improving the countries image overseas. During the twilight years of his career, Nakata joined Bolton and flaired the shit out of the Premiership before retiring. Nakata is a fashion fanatic and has often modelled for high profile designers.
8 Edgar Davids- Tottenham Hotspur
After a long and successful career, "the pitbull" decided to wind down his career with Tottenham. He had previously enjoyed great levels of success in Italy aswell as his native Netherlands where he triumphed in the champions league with Ajax. His high octane performances earned him his nickname, and he was hard not to recognise with his blindness conquering glasses that he sported during matches. Davids was also given a lengthy ban for steroid abuse in 2001, which is what really earns him his place on this list. Davids is now trying to improve the fortunes of his boyhood icons, Ajax.
7 Jay Jay Okocha- Bolton Wanderers
Okocha was "so good they named him twice" and he lit the game on fire with his exquisite skills and natural ability. Always seen as an underachiever in world football, the Nigerian had been a key member of Nigeria' "golden generation" who were triumphant in the 1996 Olympics, but had struggled to settle at any club. He kick started Bolton's flair dynasty and helped keep them in the Premiership year after year, which his exceptional skills. Okocha left the club to play in Qatar before satisfying atheists everywhere when he claimed that God had told him to live in Hull. No-one seemed to question why God would send anyone to Hull. He helped Hull secure promotion to the Premiership before retiring.
6. Joey Barton- Manchester City, Newcastle United
Bad boy midfielder Joey Barton enters our list at number 6. Barton burst onto the scenes as a tough tacking midfield dynamo with Kevin Keegan's Man City and quickly established his place in the side. On the pitch Barton isn't particularly flair, he's just your average box to box midfielder really. However, off the pitch he is a different story. Barton has served several prison sentences for different assault charges, one of which was on a former team mate. Barton also one stubbed a cigar out in a youth players eye. Barton blamed alcohol for many of his "anger management issues" and is now tee-total. Oh, and his brother is a racist axe murderer.
5. Mark Bosnich- Aston Villa, Manchester United, Chelsea
"All I did was fall in love with someone and care about them deeply and I put them ahead of everything and so be it... As Martin Luther King said, 'life is not worth living unless you find something worth dying for'. And at that time, for me, that person was more important than football." Commented Mark Bosnich, he was referring to his drug problem and relationship with model Sophie Anderton. Bosnich is one of football's great characters. A top goalkeeper in his day, but constant partying and playboy antics hindered his career, right up until he was banned after testing positive for cocaine. Bosnich claimed that Anderton had insisted that every time she did a line, he had to have one too. Whilst at Aston Villa, he was fined after carrying out a nazi salute at Tottenham fans. Bosnich has now left his playboy lifestyle behind him, and is resurrecting his career in his native Australia.
4 David Ginola- Newcastle United, Tottenham Hotspur, Aston Villa, Everton
Ginola was the star man in Kevin Keegans Newcastle dream team. Some saw him as lazy and uncommitted, others saw him for what he was- a modern day footballing mozart. Capable of turning a game with a flick of his long, flowing locks, Ginola was insanely skillful and articulate on the ball. He combined a fantastic dribbling ability and a great passing range. He could score goals and set them up, he could literally do everything. Ginola left Newcastle sparking a major riot and joined Tottenham- where he is now a member of the clubs "hall of fame". Several joy filled years at Spurs were followed by less happy spells at Aston villa and Everton. Ginola also appeared in several adverts and has enjoyed a fantastic post-football life. He has acted, modelled and has won awards for the wine made on his OWN VINYARD!!!!!
3 Juninho- Middlesbrough
Osvaldo Giroldo Júnior, aka "Juninho" was a Brazilian international who inexplicably joined Middlesbrough in 1996. The small attacking midfielder lit up the Premiership at a time when foreign flairists were a rarity. Juninho would often be found playing football on the streets with local children, as he took the North East firmly to his heart. Juninho had three happy spells on Teesside inbetween fairly unhappy spells in Spain, Scotland and Brazil. He was a World Cup winner in 2002. Some could say that he was a trailblazer in terms of flair foreigners coming here, it's certain that football would be vastly different if it weren't for the tiny Brazilian.
2 Tony Yeboah- Leeds United
The big Ghanaian striker was the best player on EARTH for about half a season. Yeboah is the only player EVER to win successive "goal of the month" awards (Sept & Oct 1995). Yeboah attributed his success while at Leeds to his love of Yorkshire Puddings, and any aspiring footballer only has to see his sublime goals against Liverpool and Wimbledon to instantly reach for the Aunt Bessies. Injuries (possibly Yorkshire Pudding related) hampered his career in England, and a clash with new manager and anti-flairist George Graham led to an exit from the club. Yeboah scored 25 goals in 48 games. Scoring off the crossbar from far out is still known as "a yeboah" and should always be followed by running around wagging your index fingers shouting "YEBOAHHHHHHHH". Tony is now a chairman of Bechem Chelsea in his native Ghana.
1 Matt Le Tissier- Southampton
Matt Le Tissier was a one club man and played 444 games for his beloved Southampton. Le Tissier, aka "Le God" (which translates unfortunately into French) would constantly feature in the "Goal of the Season" competition and has scored some of the greatest goals ever. Born in the Channel Islands meaning he could play for any of the "home nations" and he chose England, unfortunately he was constantly overlooked by England managers, only playing 3 times. Le Tissier was more than just a scorer of spectacular goals though, he netted 162 times, basically from midfield as he almost single handedly kept the Saints in the Premiership. He also missed just one penalty in his career. His touch and guile was exquisite and he was one of the most naturally gifted players to ever grace the English game. The fact that he only played for lowly Southampton was his choice rather than it being a case of larger clubs overlooking him, and he very nearly joined Manchester United. Le Tissier retired in 2002 after netting the last goal at The Dell and now works as a pundit.
"Stan the man" started his Premiership life as a Nottingham Forest goal monster before defecting to Liverpool's "Spice Boys" for a then record fee. The Striker combined pace, strength and a good eye for goal as he created a lethal partnership with Robbie Fowler. He revealed that the Liverpool dressing room was a hedonistic flair dungeon, with a total lack of discipline and frequent hotel orgies- one of the reasons as to why they are considered to be an all time top flair outfit. Collymore had a knack for irritating managers with his less than perfect attitude, and it didn't take long before Liverpool had had enough, and he was on his way to Aston Villa. more fallings out in the second city led to Stan moving once more. Short spells with Leicester, Bradford and Oviedo in Spain preceded an early retirement. Poor fitness and a shoddy attitude had ruined what was a highly promising career.Off the field, Stan was less than a gentleman. It was revealed by a certain Swedish serial footballer humper that he had regularly beaten her. He was also caught participating in the flair sexual act of "dogging".
Since retirement, Stan had a brief acting and music career, befriending Ice Cube, before settling down with a media career. He now hosts a programme for "Talk Sport".
9 Hidetoshi Nakata- Bolton Wanderers
Japanese icon, Hidetoshi Nakata, was recruited to Bolton's flair ranks in 2005. Here he teamed up with fellow flairists Jay Jay Okocha and Youri Djourkaeff. Nakata burst onto the scene before the 1998 world cup when he announced that he would be the player of the tournament (whether he was is still open for debate), and later completed a dream move to Serie A side Perugia. Hidetoshi enjoyed a happy spell in Italy with Parma, Fiorentina, and Roma- where he won his first silverware. He was rewarded with one of the highest honours in Italy- being made a Knight of the Italian star of solidarity, for improving the countries image overseas. During the twilight years of his career, Nakata joined Bolton and flaired the shit out of the Premiership before retiring. Nakata is a fashion fanatic and has often modelled for high profile designers.
8 Edgar Davids- Tottenham Hotspur
After a long and successful career, "the pitbull" decided to wind down his career with Tottenham. He had previously enjoyed great levels of success in Italy aswell as his native Netherlands where he triumphed in the champions league with Ajax. His high octane performances earned him his nickname, and he was hard not to recognise with his blindness conquering glasses that he sported during matches. Davids was also given a lengthy ban for steroid abuse in 2001, which is what really earns him his place on this list. Davids is now trying to improve the fortunes of his boyhood icons, Ajax.
7 Jay Jay Okocha- Bolton Wanderers
Okocha was "so good they named him twice" and he lit the game on fire with his exquisite skills and natural ability. Always seen as an underachiever in world football, the Nigerian had been a key member of Nigeria' "golden generation" who were triumphant in the 1996 Olympics, but had struggled to settle at any club. He kick started Bolton's flair dynasty and helped keep them in the Premiership year after year, which his exceptional skills. Okocha left the club to play in Qatar before satisfying atheists everywhere when he claimed that God had told him to live in Hull. No-one seemed to question why God would send anyone to Hull. He helped Hull secure promotion to the Premiership before retiring.
6. Joey Barton- Manchester City, Newcastle United
Bad boy midfielder Joey Barton enters our list at number 6. Barton burst onto the scenes as a tough tacking midfield dynamo with Kevin Keegan's Man City and quickly established his place in the side. On the pitch Barton isn't particularly flair, he's just your average box to box midfielder really. However, off the pitch he is a different story. Barton has served several prison sentences for different assault charges, one of which was on a former team mate. Barton also one stubbed a cigar out in a youth players eye. Barton blamed alcohol for many of his "anger management issues" and is now tee-total. Oh, and his brother is a racist axe murderer.
5. Mark Bosnich- Aston Villa, Manchester United, Chelsea
"All I did was fall in love with someone and care about them deeply and I put them ahead of everything and so be it... As Martin Luther King said, 'life is not worth living unless you find something worth dying for'. And at that time, for me, that person was more important than football." Commented Mark Bosnich, he was referring to his drug problem and relationship with model Sophie Anderton. Bosnich is one of football's great characters. A top goalkeeper in his day, but constant partying and playboy antics hindered his career, right up until he was banned after testing positive for cocaine. Bosnich claimed that Anderton had insisted that every time she did a line, he had to have one too. Whilst at Aston Villa, he was fined after carrying out a nazi salute at Tottenham fans. Bosnich has now left his playboy lifestyle behind him, and is resurrecting his career in his native Australia.4 David Ginola- Newcastle United, Tottenham Hotspur, Aston Villa, Everton
Ginola was the star man in Kevin Keegans Newcastle dream team. Some saw him as lazy and uncommitted, others saw him for what he was- a modern day footballing mozart. Capable of turning a game with a flick of his long, flowing locks, Ginola was insanely skillful and articulate on the ball. He combined a fantastic dribbling ability and a great passing range. He could score goals and set them up, he could literally do everything. Ginola left Newcastle sparking a major riot and joined Tottenham- where he is now a member of the clubs "hall of fame". Several joy filled years at Spurs were followed by less happy spells at Aston villa and Everton. Ginola also appeared in several adverts and has enjoyed a fantastic post-football life. He has acted, modelled and has won awards for the wine made on his OWN VINYARD!!!!!
3 Juninho- Middlesbrough
Osvaldo Giroldo Júnior, aka "Juninho" was a Brazilian international who inexplicably joined Middlesbrough in 1996. The small attacking midfielder lit up the Premiership at a time when foreign flairists were a rarity. Juninho would often be found playing football on the streets with local children, as he took the North East firmly to his heart. Juninho had three happy spells on Teesside inbetween fairly unhappy spells in Spain, Scotland and Brazil. He was a World Cup winner in 2002. Some could say that he was a trailblazer in terms of flair foreigners coming here, it's certain that football would be vastly different if it weren't for the tiny Brazilian.2 Tony Yeboah- Leeds United
The big Ghanaian striker was the best player on EARTH for about half a season. Yeboah is the only player EVER to win successive "goal of the month" awards (Sept & Oct 1995). Yeboah attributed his success while at Leeds to his love of Yorkshire Puddings, and any aspiring footballer only has to see his sublime goals against Liverpool and Wimbledon to instantly reach for the Aunt Bessies. Injuries (possibly Yorkshire Pudding related) hampered his career in England, and a clash with new manager and anti-flairist George Graham led to an exit from the club. Yeboah scored 25 goals in 48 games. Scoring off the crossbar from far out is still known as "a yeboah" and should always be followed by running around wagging your index fingers shouting "YEBOAHHHHHHHH". Tony is now a chairman of Bechem Chelsea in his native Ghana.
1 Matt Le Tissier- Southampton
Matt Le Tissier was a one club man and played 444 games for his beloved Southampton. Le Tissier, aka "Le God" (which translates unfortunately into French) would constantly feature in the "Goal of the Season" competition and has scored some of the greatest goals ever. Born in the Channel Islands meaning he could play for any of the "home nations" and he chose England, unfortunately he was constantly overlooked by England managers, only playing 3 times. Le Tissier was more than just a scorer of spectacular goals though, he netted 162 times, basically from midfield as he almost single handedly kept the Saints in the Premiership. He also missed just one penalty in his career. His touch and guile was exquisite and he was one of the most naturally gifted players to ever grace the English game. The fact that he only played for lowly Southampton was his choice rather than it being a case of larger clubs overlooking him, and he very nearly joined Manchester United. Le Tissier retired in 2002 after netting the last goal at The Dell and now works as a pundit.
Tuesday 19 January 2010
Spotlight On: Colin Kazim-Richards
Former Sheffield United, Bury and Brighton flairist, Colin "Kazim-Kazim" Kazim-Richards is to be sensationally booted out of his Turkish club Fenerbahce after being involved in several scandals.
Colin has always been a flair idol of mine since joining Brighton as the "Coca-Cola" kid. His immense skill and appalling attitude endeared him to very few non-flairniacs. Since leaving Brighton, his "too big for his boots" attitude has generally shown to be accurate as he has since played in the Premiership, Champions League and even played in Euro 2008 for his adopted nation of Turkey.
However, things have recently turned sour for Colin. In December he was involved in a car crash in which it was later revealed that he had ignored adverts in his youth to "belt up". This caused outrage within the normally placid Turkish media, and when it was recently revealed that he was arranging hotel orgies for him and his team-mates (and prostitutes obviously) his club had had enough.
Colin has now joined French side Toulouse on loan, with "Fener" claiming that he will never play for them again.
I salute you Colin
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