belated tslr articles- august

Flairwatch

by tom stewart

Greetings comrades, I hope you have enjoyed your summers and are raring to go for another 10 months of joy/agony as Gus Poyet’s Flair Orchestra destroy/get destroyed by League One.

Regardless of whether we live up to the lofty expectations and enable us to open Falmer, sorry, The American Express Community Stadium, with Championship football, there is no denying that we are going to be League One’s flair side, and for today’s Flairwatch I aim to examine, in true Donal McIntyre style, the reasons for this.

Let’s start at the very top- look at our ruddy ground! Withdean Stadium is clearly the flairest stadium in League 1. For a start it has SIX stands, five of which are temporary, Gok Wan would be proud of it due to it’s ability to “ACCESSORISE GIRLFRIEND” with a long jump pit, running track etc. and it’s next to a NATURE RESERVE. Whilst we might all hate it due to it being depressing, horrible etc., I for one carry a bizarre fondness for the place. Leaving it will feel a bit like a funeral of a close relative (perhaps Brother) who was a really horrible person (perhaps mass murderer). You’re obviously sad to see him/her go, but really you know it’s for the best.

Next on our list is our management team. No League 1 outfit can come close to matching us on this front (perhaps Exeter City actually). Having a Uruguayan/Argentinian manager/assistant puts us ahead straight away regardless of the individual personalities of the men. But Gus’ broad grin and chiseled jawline coupled with endless stereotypical South American gesticulating, and Tarrico’s coy little face with his flowing locks make them the ultimate flair management duo.

But a flair management team would be nothing without flair players, and boy, have we gone to town on this front. The signs were good last season with the likes of Calderon and LuaLua coming in, and Gus has not disappointed this summer. Never in my wildest, erotic dreams did I envisage so many nationalities at the Albion. We’ve got Eastern Europe sewn up with our Slovakian netminder and our mega-capped Bulgarian, plus not to mention our “Austrian” striker, Ashley Barnes. Latino stallions are represented by super icon Inigo Calderon’s return PLUS the insanely exciting arrival of not one, but TWO Argentinians. I have yet to see the duo in action, but i’m hoping that Battipiedi is a proper Argentinian central midfielder (ie. utter FILTH) and Baz is a flairmongous Latino winger, with an Arsenal of tricks and diving. We also have a Scotsman who looks like the Fonz and we’ve had several potential flair icons on trial, including a Norwegian Luke Chadwick tribute act.

With more signings possibly on the way, the future is looking bright on the flair front. Poyet has made it perfectly clear that he wants to win, but in style, which suits us perfectly fine, comrades.