People often ask me to sum up Michel Kuipers in one word. I can’t. It’s an impossible challenge. The reason for this is that Michel brought so many flair attributes to the albion party for so long. It would be doing the man a great disservice to think his work could be concluded so cheaply and rapidly. But we must now face up to the fact that Michel will no longer be around to pull us through the non-flair times. Just as the country did in 1997 after the death of Princess Diana, and Coronation Street did following the departure of Curly Watts, we must mourn, come to terms and move on. I have decided to put myself on the long road to recovery first by turning my attention to the much-anticipated Michel Kuipers testimonial, expected to take place within the next two years. In order to get your flair buds moist, I’ve put together a dream team of players I believe all true flairniacs would like to see take to the Falmer field as the opposition for the match in question. Each of the players making up the eleven has been specially chosen for a flair attribute they share with the Dutch Bruce Grobbelaar.
1. Goalkeeper
We start with the individual faced with taking on Michel in his own specialist subject – goalkeeping. After much deliberation I believe the man to take up the gloves should be Jens Lehmann, with timewasting cited as his number one Michel attribute. Who will ever forget Jens’ lame attempts to throw the ball over an advertising hoarding some years ago? Or his continual swapping of sides when taking a goal kick? It’s a tough task to out-timewaste Kuipers, but someone has to do it, and Lehmann is that man.
2. Right-back
Rumour has it that in the 1990s with Warren Barton on top of his game on Tyneside, Michel paid a visit to Kevin Keegan’s flair dictatorship to learn the ropes. Warren, perfect gentleman that he is, took the Dutchman under his wing and the pair spent many nights together. Despite being forced to retire after an injury that wasted more talent than George Best’s liver, Warren kept in touch with the albion stopper and mentored him through his career.
3. Left-back
Georgi Kinkladze. He has no link to Michel Kuipers or indeed Brighton and Hove Albion. He’s not even a left-back. But this is a flair team and flair = Georgi. He starts.
4. Centre-back
It’s clear to many of us that one of the major weapons in Michel’s armoury is the colour of his skin. All of the great flair icons are black – Tony Yeboah, Usain Bolt, Cilla, Michael Jackson et al. On this basis I’ve gone for ex-Gillingham stalwart Brent Sancho to marshal the back line.
5. Centre-back
Holland maketh the man. Let’s recognise the nation that gave us Michel by allowing one of his countrymen into our prestigious eleven. I nominate Jaap Stam. Flair attributes I hear you cry? Failed drug test should cover it.
6. Central midfield
A popular feature of Kuipers’ play over the years has been his ability to fly off the handle. All true flair composers will either be mentally challenged or so calm they appear to be under the influence. So, it is only right we find someone to dictate play with that same level of hot-headedness. For me, the key signing in this team is Joey Barton. He will also wear the flair play armband.
7. Right-wing
It was tricky deciding whether the attribute this man shares with Michel most is extreme beauty or ever-changing hairstyles, but I’ve opted for the latter. It is of course pin-up boy and flairniac favourite Djibril Cisse. Ok, where one had white highlights on a black man’s head the other flitted between baldness and dreadlocks, but the important thing is that commitment to a great head of hair is unrivalled in world football.
8. Central midfield
Everyone loves a Scandinavian. Lars Bohinen, Oyvind Leonhardsen and Roland Nilsson are just some of the names etched into our memories forever. But I’ve looked to Thomas Brolin for inclusion here, sharing the trait of being shit in England upon arrival with our esteemed ex-goalkeeper. The difference, of course, is that where one recovered after 45 minutes, the other, er, didn’t.
9. Striker
We’ve all had nights where we just can’t sleep, and only the soothing sound of one of the flair army speaking can settle us. Michel’s voice has arguably been responsible for some of my bed’s most memorable moments. As such, I would like to recognise this by bringing another man with a beautiful voice into the reckoning. Yes, Sven-Goran Eriksson makes the cut and will play the second-striker role.
10. Striker
Goals, goals, goals. Michel was responsible for stopping them, but our team needs someone to bang them in. I nominate Branko Strupar, to be replaced by Dean Sturridge, who will in turn be withdrawn for Paulo Wanchope. No team can ever have too many representatives from Jim Smith’s legendary Derby County team of the 90s. End. Of. Story.
11. Left-wing
It seems only appropriate that we bring our second guest star into the game at this point, and prepare to welcome onto the hallowed turf ex-prime minister Tony (Flair) Blair. The legendary left-winger will simply entertain, Michel-style. Results don’t matter with Tony on board.
Manager – John Sitton. No more to be said.
